The Evil Bar of the Bee

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 22:18:10 GMT

sometimes you just have to give up certain ideas and hopes to cope with the way things really are. lately i feel like in every aspect of my life i've been frustrated, hurt, or feeling desperate about something. in order for me to be happy i either have to accept things the way they are or not accept them and move on. do i plaster a smile on my face or do i walk away in tears? either way i am being hurt and it's not fair. i am living a joyless life. i have all these choices to make and i'm so ambivalent because i know there isn't any road i can take that is easy or pleasant.

i am in danger of becoming a recluse and a misanthrope due to current circumstances. i am afraid that unless i make a choice, i am going to sit around and wallow in my own self-pity and never get out of it. i also fear giving up on the human race. it has always depressed me and never ceases to amaze me in the wrong ways. humankind is falling into the pits of hell. look at the world right now. you cannot look in any direction, click any hyperlink, or turn to any channel or page of the newspaper without seeing horrible, horrific, despicable stories of human cruelty, hatred, perversion, and dishonesty. we are a fallen people.

all i've ever wanted is happiness, friendship, peace, and LIFE! life is a beautiful thing full of wonder and fantastic things. but the way the world works is such a hindrance to that mentality. it is so easy to be swept up in the opinions of a skeptic and become one yourself. my situation at the moment is tricky and i have been very cautious, self-censoring, and trepidatious about my actions because i know any move i make can and will be used against me. so i choose to sit it out for a while and see where life takes me. i did my part--i've taken a good hard look at myself and i've done the right thing. if nothing comes of it, then i refuse to put myself beneath someone and suck up to them and kiss ass because i am NOT a pushover anymore. i used to be one and i am too wise at this point in my life to stoop down to that level again.

What Do You Have To Say? - Music: My First Favorite Band

Sun, 16 Sep 2007 19:20:04 GMT

What was the first band you became a fan of?

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My first favorite band was The Stone Temple Pilots and I'm not sure why exactly. I know Green Day and Bush were among my first CD's, but something about STP really got me around 5th grade when I first got into alternative rock music. So yeah...

omg going broke...

Thu, 17 May 2007 20:20:30 GMT

i can't believe how much money i have to spend right now on everything. it's becoming very frightening and i know i'm going to be in debt for a while after the wedding and honeymoon.

things just keep piling on and i'm truly wondering if i'm even going to be able to make the mortgage payments this summer with no income other than a few piano lessons and some summer curriculum work. it's very scary!! i know we'd get help if we were in trouble, but i want to be responsible and do things on my own and with Chuck. i know we'll be okay, but it's very surreal to think of the costs of the wedding and condo.

i need to just keep breathing and have faith.

Chuck's grandfather passed away this morning after being very ill for 2 weeks. he didn't want life support and wound up surviving over a week without a feeding tube miraculously. it's very hard for Chuck's mom right now especially since he's out in California. i know they're going to cremate his body so there won't be a proper burial, but i'm sure they'll have some sort of funeral service which means his mom will have to fly back out to Cali again and Chuck might even go if he can manage the time off work and the cost of the flight so it's a difficult time.

i'm having my neck catscan on Saturday to see if i do indeed have Eagle Syndrome. it's going to literally be a pain in the neck for the rest of my life if that's what it is...i'm really disappointed and disheartened by this. but hey, maybe it's a way of saying i don't have to be a music teacher my whole life if i don't want to. if the pain gets to be too overwhelming or really affects my job, i know i have other talents and can be intelligent in other areas. not that i want to quit music teaching right now, but i've always entertained the idea of trying something else too.

well, i'm going to eat some food, make myself an Appletini, and enjoy a well-deserved relaxing Thursday evening. hopefully Chuck will make it over here to hang out since we have barely had any one-on-one time the past few weeks. things are just too hectic and i can't wait until it all slows down and the wedding day comes and we get to start our life together. i'm very stressed out right now and feel like the world is crashing down on me so i just need some happiness.

Sat, 12 May 2007 16:19:35 GMT

i admittedly haven't been the happiest person in the world lately. i've been letting a lot of petty things bog me down for some reason and have been stuck in a perpetual slump for too long. it's really time that i start enjoying the many blessings life has to offer me right now.

yesterday was a long, frustrating, and annoying day that should have been really fun and productive. chuck and i were scheduled to close on our condo some time around 1pm when the sellers should have been finished moving out and all that. well, we had our walkthrough at 10am and the place was absolutely filthy and we were so grossed out. the carpets were all full of dirt and debris, the walls were all scuffed up and looked horrible, they left their picture hangers all nailed into the wall, the bathrooms were nasty with their hair all over, the kitchen was dirty, the fridge and freezer were still full of food, and the place was literally covered in stuff to the point where we almost couldn't walk through the place so we decided we'd give them 2 hours to get rid of everything and come back.

at noon, chuck's mom (our realtor) went back and called us to say they still had a long way to go. by this time, we're getting very frustrated and annoyed. so they meet with my lawyer at 12:30 and i get a call from him saying they're at the point where we either have to just close and allow them to continue moving out their things, we can withhold money to give them incentive to be quick, or we can push the closing back to Monday. we definitely were not about to wait until Monday after we both took a day off of work and wound up wasting it. so we decided just to close and wait until they were finished.

well...they didn't finish until 7:30 because in the meantime they still had to go all the way to Hoboken to close on their new home. ridiculous! how can 2 seemingly intelligent people think they could have done 2 closing AND move EVERYTHING from their current home into their new one in 5 hours on a Friday morning? they clearly did not think things through and left us sitting around waiting for them all fucking day. we were both highly agitated because chuck was all packed and he is so stressed out living with his current roommate that he just wants as much of his stuff out of there as possible. his roommate is stealing from him now on top of lying about stupid things and guess what...he's the best man in our wedding! i'm supposed to trust this asshole with my expensive ring? NO WAY! i'm all set with that and am going to ask my sister to keep my ring and just tell Chuck that this is something i want between me and my sister.

anyway, at 7:30 we finally had 2 cars full of furniture and boxes from chuck's ready to go and started moving in. his friend/co-worker Ron helped us move the first load which was so awesome. not one of chuck's friends offered to help which sucks because he's helped so many people move at some point in his life. even his roommate and best friend who had the day off from work didn't offer to help. whatever...so angry about this idiot being best man in my wedding.

after a second trip, chuck's parents and sister showed up to help and then we just called it a night, ate some pizza, drank some beer, and celebrated our new home. chuck's parents gave us our first housewarming gift--a beautiful painting of a harvest basket painted by his grandmother. it was so beautiful and it will have a prominent place in our home because it means a lot to him and to both of us. it's very symbolic too because not only does it mean hope that we will always have a plentiful harvest, but we're going to be living on Harvest Lane! pretty cool hehe.

so today Chuck is continuing to move more boxes into the place and then we're both heading down to Eatontown to celebrate Mother's Day early with my family. i'm very excited to see my grandparents again because i haven't seen them since Christmas as they've been in Florida. i hope for once my brother is actually there and stays because he's always working or playing a concert when i come home.

it's a wonderful feeling to hold the key to my new home, to know that i'll be living there with my husband in 48 days, and that i have 6 weeks of my summer to look forward to fixing it up, painting, and decorating! yay!!!!!

tis the end of my spring break...

Sun, 29 Apr 2007 22:29:30 GMT

I am very not ready to go back to work tomorrow morning. I feel like even though I did so much on my week off in terms of getting things done, going to appointments, and packing to move that I just wasted a perfectly good excuse to have a little fun. Things were of course not perfect between me and Chuck for a few days which added stress and discomfort, but once that was fixed I just had this uneasy feeling the whole time that I wasn't making the best of my time off. Maybe I'm just feeling that more extremely now that it's Sunday evening and I only have maybe 4-5 hours of freedom left before bed.

I did get a lot accomplished this week. I got my makeup/hair trial done, went to the dermatologist twice, went to the eye doctor and ordered driving glasses, finished this week's lesson plans, made my concert CD, arranged for a new wedding dress to be delivered, set up an appointment with the church's wedding coordinator, chose all the ceremony music, narrowed down menu choices, went home and got my mom started on addressing envelopes, hung out with 2 of my bridesmaids a few times, ordered bridesmaid gifts, placecard holders, favors, and out-of-town guest packages. All in all I'd say I rock at getting things done efficiently. I had fun here and there but nothing really exciting happened. There's still unbelievably so much to do before the wedding despite all the completed tasks above.

Just for my own sanity I'm going to rewrite everything important we have to do still:

For the Bachelorette and Bachelor Parties:
-Talk with our maid of honor and best man and plan something definite
-Compile a list of all invited
-Arrange for transportation and other things

For the Rehearsal Dinner:
-Choose and book a restaurant
-Have all gifts purchased and wrapped
-Send out invitations or make phone calls

General Things to Do:
-Mail out invitations ASAP!
-Keep track of gifts received and write thank-you cards
-Pick up my dress AGAIN and get fitted AGAIN when my dress is delivered
-Fill out and send back the photography itinerary
-Figure out who will be driving us around all day since we're not getting a limo

For the Ceremony:
-Choose our readings and confirm who will be reading
-Meet with the coordinator and organist
-Let the horn player know what pieces we chose
-Finalize musical selections and inform the organist
-Write up a program and order them
-Meet one more time with our minister for counseling
-Revisit the florist to finalize choices and arrangements

For the Reception:
-Contact the DJ with important song choices and to discuss my requests
-Meet with the catering director to finalize the menu and pick out the cake
-Buy a guest book and pen or something unique to record who attended

For the Honeymoon:
-Register for my passport and renew Chuck's
-Buy luggage if no one gets it for us before June
-Get money exchanged through Chuck's bank
-Arrange for transportation to and from the airport

For the new condo:
-Make sure Chuck is moved out of his place by June 1
-Start moving furniture and things in as soon as we close
-Get the place as decent as possible for our pre-wedding guests
-Save money so we can still afford to live there!

I'm sure there are millions of other details I'm forgetting, but I know it's all pretty much taken care of. Now we're at the point where we actually have to start paying for things and it's going to be a difficult few months. Some people only want check or cash for payments, others accept credit cards, some things my parents are paying for. It's all very chaotic but we just have to stay focused and be careful that we're not overdrawing any accounts or ruining our credit. Blah.

TOO MUCH STRESS!!!

the week of mixed emotions

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 03:27:28 GMT

This week has been an outrageous roller coaster of events and emotions. Let us being Sunday. I drove down to Atlantic City with Chuck in the torrential rains, barely visible roads, and just plain frightening driving. I was so tired but we made it down a little after 4. We had a yummy and cheap dinner at the Irish Pub. Then we made it to Boardwalk Hall where we enjoyed a once in a lifetime experience of seeing Anre Rieu and the Johann Strauss Orchestra. It was so much fun, very entertaining, and overall a wonderful night. Chuck seemed to really like it too which made me happy that he appreciates many kinds of music as I do. He was cheering really loud at the end every time the audience wanted another encore hehe. It was very cute. Then Chuck did the driving home which was again very scary, but we were home by 11:30.

Monday was definitely tough waking up after such a long day, but I had a great day at work. The kids behaved wonderfully and all was great. Then Mike D. informs me via e-mail that he has 2 tickets to the Rangers home game #1 at the Garden and he so kindly asked me to go. I of course said yes immediately, rescheduled all my piano lessons, and was all ready for the following day. Well...the following morning was absolutely HORRENDOUS. I left my apartment at 7:45am and didn't arrive at work until 9:45am. It normally takes me 15 MINUTES to get to work..so you can imagine the sheer frustration, helplessness, and outrage I was feeling. To be trapped on several different roads not moving an inch because of flooding with no way of turning around or getting out of it is just not a good feeling at all. I called my principal to let her know the situation and someone covered my first class which was great. Then of course the kids were not so well-behaved the whole day, I was SO busy with concert prep and lesson-planning that I barely had time to breathe.

The only thing I had to look forward to was the Rangers game. So I leave work at 3:25pm and lo and behold I do not get to Hoboken until 4:45 which wasn't nearly as bad as the morning commute, but annoying nonetheless. Despite the minor setback, I met Mike in front of the Path, we got to the Garden, met the scalper, got our tickets, and entered the beauty that is MSG. Everything melted away at that point and I was just so happy to be there and felt so lucky to have a friend like Mike D. by my side to share such a privilege. The game was absolutely fucking NUTS! In a very good way and Mike D. will appreciate the reference in the former sentence. The crowd was louder than ever, chants were non-stop, the goal after 32 seconds lit the place on fire, beers were drank, I got to visit my former season ticket section friends, Henrik got a 7-0 shutout, and I felt like a little child full of joy and awe seeing the energy in the building. It was the most memorable and exciting Ranger game I've been to and I doubt any other game will ever compare to it.

So that was Tuesday. Today I had another awful commute to work despite leaving extra early and finding a great shortcut through Paterson. I actually didn't even hit traffic until I got to Hawthorne. Once I got to Hawthorne, everything just stopped and it took me 45 minutes to get down 2 streets. So I was late to work AGAIN, but thankfully I had a first-period prep so I didn't miss any classes. But I lost valuable prep time and missed breakfast which I normally pick up on the way to school on Wednesdays. The kids were soooo freaking bad today, I wanted to cry just about every half hour. I was just so worn out, so sick of their disrespectful attitudes, and ready to blow, but I kept my cool and just survived the day. Then to my surprise, I got to my piano lessons on time and endured 2 hours of private lessons with my sore and aching throat (from illness, not screaming my bloody head off at the game last night), and made it home by 6:30, ordered a pizza, and just finished watching the Rangers SWEEP THE FIRST ROUND!!!!! I was screaming and jumping on my bed the whole game and having a fun time watching the game....

But keep in mind this week has been a roller coaster. Only a half hour ago, I get a call from Chuck who was lucky enough to be at tonight's game. Of course he sounded very drunk and told me he was walking along the pier in Hoboken near his car trying to sober up. I know he is a VERY responsible person, especially when it comes to driving, but he did not sound at all ready to go anywhere. He was all silly and talking slowly. I asked him several times if he needed me or someone to pick him up and I even said at one point I was just going to get in my car, but he said he was fine over and over again. He was only on the phone with me 10 minutes and then got off so he could drive home. All I can say is he better call me the second he gets home. I trust him with so many things, almost everything for that matter. But tonight I do not trust that he is sober enough to drive from Hoboken to Lincoln Park. He is not a big drinker, especially lately, so I'm not at all upset that he got drunk tonight. I would certainly have been drunk myself had I gone, but I am upset that he is driving right now and that I have no way of knowing he's all right and no way of intervening. Just a very helpless and nervous feeling.

It's like Rolling Thunder was before they took it down at Six Flags (at least I think they took it down...). Even though the roller coaster was old, wooden, rickety, loud as hell, and quite honestly frightening to not know if it would just fall down while you were on it, it was my favorite roller coaster for a long time and I always rode it with a big smile on my face. All it did was go up and down, up and down. Just like life...and I would love every second of it. I do a lot of complaining on a daily basis, but there is always a deeper feeling that I often choose to cover up with bitterness that enjoys the ride of life no matter what I'm going through. I like variety and I love change. Yes, I am worried shitless about Chuck at the moment, but life has bestowed so many blessings on me that I have to have faith in God and in Chuck that he'll end up safe tonight.

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 22:00:27 GMT

today seems to be a relatively annoying day for many people. everyone i know is having a frustrating day, myself included.

list of annoyances right now:

my classroom was left a complete mess and really filthy over the weekend and i had to clean it all morning instead of preparing for my day.

they keep taking my CD player and piano during 9th period for talent show rehearsal which is ridiculous. like they can't wait until my day is over to remove the equipment?

i hate call waiting with such a passion, especially when a person hangs up on you to take the other call and then you sit and wait over a half hour to hear back. then you try and call them and they don't pick up the phone.

people drive increasingly worse every day in this state and make it difficult for others to get around. suddenly driving a half a mile takes 15 minutes because people don't follow traffic signs and don't know where they're going.

i am so sick of living in this shitty apartment. every weekend i have no hot water on Saturday or Sunday mornings so i have to shower later in the day or the night before. there are birds that keep making nests on the roof above my bedroom windows which means no sleep in the morning. the squirrels have found another way into the attic and scratch and claw above my apartment all day long. my downstairs neighbors still are uncivilized monsters who do nothing but stomp their feet, scream at each other, blast music, and slam doors. the kids who play outside all day are some of the most annoying children in the world who will sing the same song for 2 hours at the top of their lungs, ring their bicycle bells constantly, play with squeaky toys, and just act obnoxiously making it impossible to have peace and quiet after work. the wiring in this place is so old i can barely use all my appliances. i can't blowdry my hair in my bedroom because it will blow out the electricity that runs through my computer. most of my outlets can't be adapted because they don't have that third prong opening that all modern plugs need to work. it's really frustrating.

all in all i just feel like complaining right now. chuck and i have hardly seen each other the past week and a half for various reasons and i had called him back after he left me two voicemails throughout the day. i called him about 45 minutes ago and after 3 minutes of talking, he says his mom is on the other line and will have to call me back. well i'm still waiting and i tried calling him back with no luck which means he has no problem hanging up on me to talk to other people, but won't use the call waiting when i try calling. way to put your future wife first. i guess if i ever have an emergency and he's on the phone, i'll just have to tough it out on my own. yes, i am being childish and overreacting but i just need to vent about something to help me calm down. i've been having a shit time at work lately, a shit time with Chuck, and a shit time living in this horrible place. i need my life to get back in order. i want this wedding to be over with and i want to be on my honeymoon in Ireland drinking pints and exploring the country. that's what i want right now.

so yeah

Tue, 20 Mar 2007 23:36:14 GMT

Things are moving along at the moment. The wedding plans are definitely getting somewhere and I feel good that things have been going smoothly. Our invitations were delivered to my parents' house this week, I hired a soloist for the ceremony, I got my hot sexy shoes, I may have found a makeup artist/hair stylist, the shower and bachelorette party are being planned, we're looking for a rehearsal dinner site soon, we chose our favors and will order them when we have an estimated number of attendees, and overall things are just falling into place. We are going to book our honeymoon ASAP now that our mortgage commitment is finalized (as of today!!)

I cannot WAIT to move into our new townhouse. I have so many decorating ideas already in mind. I bought a beautiful frame set to go above the fireplace and will put some of my black and white photos from Alaska in them. My idea was inspired by opposites: something cold above something hot to balance everything out. We're going to repaint the kitchen in most likely the same color it is now but the previous couple did a terrible job painting. It's a nice color...kind of a matte grayish lilac? I think I want to paint the bathrooms a metallic sage with kind of silvery tones in it. I have some ideas for window treatments in the kitchen and entrance that I saw on HGTV. We hope to get a granite counter in the kitchen, new floors in the bathrooms, and maybe install a garbage disposal when we have the money. We also will definitely need a new dryer because the current one is really old and small.

I'm getting very excited now that it's almost April. I can't believe how quickly the months are passing by. Before I know it, I'll be walking down that aisle towards my husband and saying "I do"! YAY!!!!!!! Happy happy joy joy!! I'm going to try my dress on this Sunday with the shoes for the first time. My friend Michelle and I are heading down to Ocean Grove for lunch and shopping, then we'll stop by my parents' house so she can see the dress for the first time. It's been probably 6 months since I've put it on. I really need to get it fitted and altered soon...kind of procrastinating on that. Oh well...it'll get done!

some things never change...

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 11:11:47 GMT

and they probably never will. i'm really depressed that life has become so impersonal. between text messages, e-mail, and instant messages, the joys of life have become a joke. instead of at least talking to a person over the phone or sending a real card, everything has become digital and computerized. what happened to REAL concrete things? what happened to hearing someone's voice on the other end of the line? i have almost nothing to show for my birthday. i got cards from Chuck, my Aunt Mary, and my friend Kelly S. and everything else was through a computer or cell phone. it's not that i want to be showered with gifts, it's that i miss getting real cards in the mail. it's a simple, inexpensive gesture that makes people feel cared for and doesn't take much time or effort. if you know you're not going to see someone on or before their birthday, stick it in the mail and call it a day. it's not hard. and i'm sure i'm not exempt from this criticism. i'm sure i've failed to send cards to people on their birthdays, but of course things always seem worse when it's yourself being affected.

well i guess there's no use complaining any more because the day has passed and i can forget it ever happened. this birthday simply revealed to me how lucky i am to be marrying a wonderful man like Chuck and how lucky i am to be becoming a part of his loving family. Chuck took me to Dave & Buster's, we had some good food, drank some half priced drinks, played games, and had a blast together even though i lost pretty much every game i played. then he gave me some presents back at my apartment. he finally found the Lady and the Tramp Lenox figurine of the two dogs sharing the same spaghetti strand in the restaurant....so cute! He also gave me a Nintendo Wii game but im' going to exchange it for one i really want. so yeah...that was all i got for my birthday other than a check in the mail from my Aunt Mary. i mean you get to a certain age and people just stop buying you gifts which is fine cos what do i really need anyway? it's all material. what makes me happier is to know people have at least given me two seconds of thought during the day, enough to call and wish me a good day. unfortunately, it was not a great day until Chuck took me out, but what can you do...

:o)

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 02:09:19 GMT

After his long, very bad day...Chuck still had it in him to show up at my door just now with a single yellow rose and a box of chocolate-covered cherries to thank me for picking him up and helping him out today. Definitely the perfect ending to my day! He has really had a tough day...he got sick from Chinese food tonight, found out it's going to cost $1200 to fix his truck, lost a half day's salary, and he's just being so hard on himself on top of it. I hope he gets a good night's sleep and has a great rest of the week.

OK done being sentimental now. I got inspired to redecorate like that show Freestyle on HGTV today so I took big curtains and used them as slip-covers on my couch and loveseat, added some creative candles and my plants to endtables, and made a couple adjustments to furniture placement and voila! My living room looks so much nicer and feels more comfortable. I watched so many decorating and home improvement shows today that I feel like I can make a lot of affordable changes to our townhouse when we move in. There are so many ways to improve things which will help us gain value on the property for when we're ready to sell. I can't wait!!!!

snow day

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 17:30:48 GMT

I can't believe Hawthorne cancelled school today. What a waste of a snow day! I can only hope that we don't have the need for anymore so that we don't lose time off the spring break. I supposed I can't complain being that I just had a whole week off and a snow day right after. Ten days off was and still is amazing!

Anyway...LOTS of things going on in my life right now. Starting with the most recent and working my way back, I slept over Chuck's last night figuring I might not have work today so I wouldn't have to drive home late and not find parking like always. Well, I didn't have work today but Chuck had to be in at 7am. So I was wide awake after getting the snow chain call and never went back to sleep. Chuck calls at 7:30 and I was immediately worried and it turns out he crashed his truck into a curb while making a turn around a jughandle or something cos he hit some slush and lost control. I felt horrible and asked if he needed help but he said not yet. So he didn't call back, and instead I called him around 10 to see what was up. It took the tow truck 2 hours to get him so he was on his way to the dealership in Parsippany. I went and picked him up, brought him back home, and he took his second car to work. What sucks is they're charging him half a day's pay, telling him he can't flex his schedule this week, and making him come in half a day on Friday (his day off) AND charging him another half day's pay Friday. So basically, he's losing a whole day's pay, has to spend a few hundred dollars to fix his truck, all at a very inconvenient time for us financially.

So going back further now, we are buying a townhome in Lincoln Park. We discovered a beautiful 2-bedroom place with 2 full bathrooms, a huge loft up a flight of stairs, a big kitchen, a fireplace, and a nice open floorplan on the main floor. We are spending a little more than we had originally planned, but it is well worth it. We are very excited, both love the place, and can't wait until we move in! We're closing on May 11th and basically just moving stuff in little by little and not officially living together until after the wedding cos we just want it that way. So yeah...we've been dishing out a LOT of money for a small downpayment, inspection fees, the wedding, etc. so this car thing today was not good timing. I just feel very bad for Chuck that he had to start his week like this. I feel there is a reason I had no school today and it was to help out Chuck!

OK so now moving forward a bit, after we signed a contract and were in attorney review, we hear news that there was a fire in the same community where we were buying. Thank GOD it was not our unit or even our building but we were terrified for a few minutes wondering about it. I saw the damage and it was very bad and really scary. No one died, but 8 condos were affected--4 totally destroyed. It's a bit of an eye-sore to drive by, but who knows how cleaned up it will be by the time we move in.

So that's that. Now I'm home on my "snow" day, very glad to have just one extra day of freedom and relaxation. It gives me a chance to finalize everything for my concert that I have next week too so it's a good thing.

Well, I'm off.

::pulling hair out of head::

Wed, 31 Jan 2007 02:33:31 GMT

Things are becoming too stressful to enjoy at the moment. House-hunting is NOT fun no matter what anyone tells you. Chuck has this diluted optimism about it which is nice and cute but it's not realistic. Now he wants to start looking at houses in Rockaway, Lake Hiawatha, and Dover. All these locations are totally foreign to me, not at all close to my school, my piano students, my friends, or most importantly my family. I feel that I have already had to give up living near my home town because Chuck's life is up here and mine has sort of landed up here for the time being as well. I'm happy with the friends and things I've gained up here and do not want to suddenly have to give all of that up too. If I lose my 6 piano students, that's about $5-6,000 a year less income which I would certainly miss. Not to mention I'd be spending a lot more money on gas to get to work, I do not handle long commutes or traffic well so I'd be more stressed and unhappy, and I'd be too far from my friends. Maybe I am being a bit selfish, but so is Chuck. He already has his family 10 minutes away, his work 20 minutes away, his friends all fairly close by, and everything else he does close by. So him moving to Rockaway or Dover won't really matter much. But it will affect me much worse.

I am starting to really feel a sense of urgency about spending more time with my family. I don't know how long my grandparents will be with me. They are perfectly healthy, but they're getting up there in age and you just never know. My aunt and her girlfriend live way south in Brick and they are so awesome! I really really miss my aunt and love spending time with her. At least I can look forward to seeing her in the summer when I am not teaching. I miss my grandparents even more, but they spend more and more time in Florida every year because they get too bored in NJ and hate the cold. They are basically only here from late April-September. Then they come back from Thanksgiving until Christmas and literally leave like 4am the day after Christmas. It's kind of ridiculous but it makes them happy. So I would love to live halfway between here and there to accomodate both our lives. But I understand one of Chuck's points about how nice it is to have family right around the corner. If we ever have car trouble, need a ride somewhere or to be picked up somewhere, if we need help for any reason. So maybe I need to relax a little on the issue, but I still feel I do not want to be pressured to move even farther from the things I need in my life.

Maybe I just have to do this now and it will pay off later. But time is precious when it comes to the people you love and I don't want to do anything that will separate me from them.

*sigh* I just want to be married and get all this stress out of the way. I am really not enjoying looking for a home and hope it gets easier. I feel it is taking away from the wedding and turning into a nightmare. Why do we have to rush on a decision to buy a home when we have somewhere to stay if things don't happen right away? We can always stay in his current townhouse until something happens. I need to stop thinking about this and just have faith. Chances are we won't move to Rockaway. We'll live in Lincoln Park or Pequannock or Pompton Lakes and all this worry will be for nought.

Wed, 17 Jan 2007 01:33:50 GMT

i hate money. money is the root of all evil and the reason why i am so completely stressed out right now. i have no issues with money at the moment, but i soon will when i have to start paying for a wedding, a honeymoon, and a fucking mortgage. i don't know why it has become so insanely difficult for 2 generally successful adults with college degrees to afford a decent home.

chuck and i got approved for a higher loan than we originally were told we could get, but that doesn't mean we'll accept it. we have to be practical and reasonable. just because the bank is offering us more money doesn't mean we should go searching for a more expensive home. it's just really daunting to think about my housing costs more than doubling at a time when i do not receive paychecks and my piano lessons are less frequent. i am most definitely going to need a job this summer which i had planned on doing anyhow, but it's even more imminent at this point. it's going to be difficult to get a job though seeing as the first 3 weeks of summer i will have my wedding and honeymoon which leaves less than 2 months of potential work. who would bother hiring me?

on top of all this, chuck is telling me he's inviting MORE people to the wedding which is pissing me off. he's starting to invite coworkers he's only known for a few months and i do not agree with that. there is one coworker of his i agree with him inviting, but the others are just not worth it in my opinion. just because they gave us a referral for a florist and photographer he feels it is right to invite them...um...NO! if i invited every coworker who offered me help with wedding vendors, we'd have to rent another reception hall. he just doesn't seem to care how much we spend on the wedding. he wants everyone in the world to witness his wedding which is sweet, but just too idealistic.

this is where the Bridezilla awakens from the depths of an otherwise sane and rational person. hence money being the root of all evil. trust me...i'd love to invite all of my best friends from high school and college, even if i haven't talked to them in months or years, but what would be the point? i'd probably not talk to them for the rest of my life after the wedding. blah...i wish this would all just be over right now.

chuck's mom sent us more house and condo listings today and it is utterly ABSURD how small and hideous the houses we can afford are, not to mention the inconvenience of their locations. i'm talking shack-like ranches in Bloomingdale, 2-bedroom bungalows in Lake Parsippany (i don't even know where that is...), and ugly yellow shitholes in Pompton Lakes. i would DEFINITELY prefer living in a smaller, less-spacious townhouse or condo in a nicer, more convenient area with amenities such as a pool, tennis courts, golf course, etc. for the same price. maybe we won't make any money back by selling in the future, maybe our value won't increase much, but we won't be in a fucking money pit! i do not want to live in the world's worst fixer-upper and waste my first 5 years of marriage renovating a dumpster just to get rid of it and go through the depressing task of finding another subpar home down the line.

damn i am cynical and moody right now. i blame Aunt Flo from Red Bank.

i have a lot of trust and faith in Chuck. he has really never steered us wrong in our decisions or in his thoughts and ideas about what is best for us. perhaps what i need is not to be so resistant and stubborn, but to be more willing to trust him to handle these situations. basically, i overlook the fact that we'll be getting money back from the wedding in the form of monetary gifts. i think it's just a mental block for me because i do not view the wedding as a venue for receiving gifts. i only see it as a huge expense for something i've dreamed about my entire life and an occassion to celebrate the fact that i've found the man i want to spend the rest of my life with. i am not concerned with how much money people give us or what people buy for us from our registry. that stuff is just an added bonus to the already amazing experience of being wed to someone.

well, i better go before i have panic attack about finances. it'll all work out.

Thu, 11 Jan 2007 00:44:49 GMT

there is something very wrong with wednesdays. every wednesday the kids are terrible in music. i had 2 first graders curse in my room in Spanish. little did the fuckers know i understand a great deal of Spanish having studied it for 4 years and worked in many a restaurant kitchen. i had a third grader lie to my face about making fun of a learning disabled child. all 3 got notes home to their parents. my morning was horrbile too--my 5th graders are acting like they own the school and it's getting ridiculous. so frustrating!

then i get home and this asshole in a big truck blinds me while i'm trying to parallel park and i just gave up and parked far away on another street because i couldn't take it anymore. i'm very tired of living here. my neighbors below are engaging in their daily shouting bout between the mother and the 2 neanderthal sons from Russia or Poland or some other place where loud obnoxious people breed. GRRR!

weeee!!!

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 20:30:17 GMT

The Greatest Countdown!

wedding stuff!

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 19:22:46 GMT

Things are finally getting done and I am very excited! My bridesmaids chose a beautiful sage green organza strapless gown with a shawl, embroidered top, and a layered A-line skirt. It was the easiest bridesmaid excursion possible! I love them all for making it so easy and they all really do love the dress and it is flattering on each of them. Very classy...just how I envisioned it!

We've narrowed down invitation styles to 3 or 4, but we're waiting for the samples to arrive until we make a final decision. Here are the top choices...and if you read this, please feel free to give me your opinion!

1. My favorite: http://stationeryexpress.regency.tc/order/We_ViewEns.cfm?sItemCode=WedEns0682&sCatalogCode=WedEnsDT104&iStartRow=1&lCriteria=3261&strcontinue=yes&strsearch=yes&format=WedEnsDT104a

2. http://stationeryexpress.regency.tc/order/We_ViewEns.cfm?sItemCode=WedEns2539&sCatalogCode=WedEnsDT104&iStartRow=9&lCriteria=3241&strcontinue=yes&strsearch=yes&format=WedEnsDT104a

3. http://stationeryexpress.cceasy.com/order/We_ViewEns.cfm?sItemCode=WedEns4739&sCatalogCode=WedEnsCC&iStartRow=17&lCriteria=535,540,548&strcontinue=yes&strsearch=yes&format=WedEnsCCa

4. http://stationeryexpress.regency.tc/order/We_ViewEns.cfm?sItemCode=WedEns0725&sCatalogCode=WedEnsDT104&iStartRow=1&lCriteria=3261&strcontinue=yes&strsearch=yes&format=WedEnsDT104a

SO yeah...I'm 95% sure we'll order the first one because it is simple, elegant, very pretty, and I like that it is square--throws a little uniquness in there.

Then there are flowers. I just scheduled a consultation for Saturday morning with a florist in North Brunswick I was referred to by one of Chuck's coworkers. She was very happy with them and I saw some of her pictures and I liked them too. We honestly might even go with Costco if this florist is too expensive! I went to Costco online and they actually do have wedding flowers. You get all this for a very reasonable price:

1 Bridal bouquet
1 Maid of Honor bouquet
4 Brides Maid bouquets (you can substitute for centerpieces if you need less)
1 Toss Away bouquet
2 Mothers petite hand-tie
12 Corsages
12 Attendant boutonnieres
6 Centerpieces (vases not included)
10 Rose Petal buds

I do want to research and find out anyone who's used them and get their testimony before considering it. They always have beautiful roses in the store so I think they would probably be beautiful wedding flowers as well.

We have not done anything about the honeymoon, but are going to visit a travel agent ASAP. I need to get on the ball and order a passport before it's too late.

This Saturday, after the florist consultation, we're going to Fortunoff to open a registry and maybe if we have time we'll open one either at Sears or Target. But that would be a very long day, don't know if we'll make it through two stores!

So there you have it...stuff is finally getting accomplished!! Oh! We also ordered our save-the-date magnets!! They are so cute and I can't wait to get them and mail them out. Unfortunately, it's so close to the wedding, but it was something Chuck REALLY wanted and I wanted him to have something he enjoyed. Our invitations will literally go out like 4 weeks after the magnets haha. Oh well.

Our engagement notice is also finally going in the papers...Chuck's mom is going crazy and sending it to like 4 papers up here. Star Ledger, the Bergen Record, and some other paper too. My parents are putting it in the Asbury Park Press. I can't wait to see it!!

YAY!!!!

thanks coreen!

Fri, 05 Jan 2007 03:04:37 GMT

In 2007, evildrunkbee resolves to...

Apply for a new nfl.
Put fifty ryan adams a month into my savings account.
Find a new guitar.
Get back in contact with some old pilates.
Cut down to ten diners a day.
Tell my family about billiards.

it's actually quite on target, though very silly and grammatically incorrect.

i WOULD like to apply for a new NFL...perhaps one in which players are not paid ridiculous amounts of many to drop passes, celebrate excessively and childishly in the endzone, snort coke, and complain about having to attend meetings "on time"...for goodness sake!!!

i definitely wouldn't mind 50 Ryan Adams tickets a month...but as for the man himself, that might be kind of weird.

i would love to find a new guitar as mine is broken at the moment. i am hoping to save up and get a little bit of a nicer one. nothing too fancy as i may never actually play it again.

as for Pilates...i have been feeling guilty lately that i bought all those DVD's and haven't touched them in almost a year. i might have done it once over the summer, but that's not enough to redeem myself. i just don't exercise and it's pathetic.

the ten diners a day part and the billiards make no sense, but hey...it can't all be true.

what wedding?

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 17:15:06 GMT

I've been feeling a little disappointed lately with the wedding and everything. Not with the way it will turn out, not with the fact that it is happening, but because I feel no excitement from anyone but myself and Chuck about it. I feel like our wedding was only exciting for a couple weeks and then everyone just stopped caring about it. I know I am probably way off base, but neither of our families has done anything for us. Our parents didn't even give us a CARD to congratulate us on our engagement, let alone a gift. Granted, we are partially to blame for not announcing anything in the papers because we have procrastinated and procrastinated on getting a decent photo of us taken. But other than that, we have been taking care of all the planning and it just seems that no one really cares. People ask about it out of courtesy I think sometimes.

I'm finding it very difficult to get things done at the moment because Christmas got in the way, Chuck is working overtime and Saturdays, and any time we have together has been busy and spent taking care of other things. I'm very frustrated that it's 6 months away and we still have a million and one things to do. I am most stressed and concerned about ordering invitations, choosing a florist, booking our honeymoon, and picking bridesmaid dresses. These things are major items to take care of and we haven't even begun! I have seen several invitations I like and Chuck is just not really giving me feedback so I'm close to just ordering the ones I like if he's not going to help me. We have a name of a florist we were referred to so it's just a matter of making an appointment but with Chuck's work schedule it's impossible right now. Booking our honeymoon is another difficult task because of his schedule and because we really have no clue how to go about reserving rooms or a rental car and we definitely want to go through a travel agent for this trip. I also need to get a passport which I should have done this week but I was so damn busy that I couldn't! Then there are the bridesmaid dresses. Two of the bridesmaids and myself are finally getting together tomorrow to browse styles/colors which is at least a step towards progress. I just hope it isn't going to be a big ordeal to find one dress that suits them all or 3 different dresses that I approve of. I'm worried that going with 3 different dresses could be problematic for my sister and my one friend because they like to wear revealing clothing and I do not want them looking inappropriate or too sexy. I want my wedding to be classy and tasteful. But that's enough Bridezilla for one day. I'm sure it will all work out as long as people can give me a little bit of their time here and there.

Other than that, I feel confident everything will be wonderful. It's just dawning on me how many details we have left to cover and how it's all creeping up quickly. I still have to contact the DJ to give him a list of do-not-plays and must-plays. I have to hire a soloist and get in touch with the organist to choose music. I have to choose the menu, order Save the Date magnets, order favors and bubbles, get my shoes, find a make-up artist and hair stylist, decide whether or not to get a limo or van or take the Beast to be more ourselves, and so many friggin details!!!! Chair covers, attendant gifts, "something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue", ceremony programs, marriage certificate, blood testing (maybe), the list could go on forever...

i think i'll stop now and actually relax like i said i was going to today. see what happens when devin has too much time on her hands??

vacation?

Thu, 28 Dec 2006 21:43:42 GMT

i feel so unrelaxed, it's not even funny. i can't believe it's already Thursday and i haven't really done anything remotely fun or relaxing. it's been a very busy week off and i feel like i haven't made the most of it, but whatever. the weekend was busy with last-minute shopping, wrapping, baking, and church. then christmas chuck and i had to do the split time thing between our two families. we lucked out majorly and didn't hit any traffic either way so it was actually a really good time. we had a blast with both families and got a LOT of really nice things. the day after Christmas i thought i'd have all this time to clean, put away gifts, and maybe play Guitar Hero 2, but i wound up dropping everything to drive BACK to Eatontown again since my aunt, uncle, and cousin were visiting. so i went down there, we had dinner, opened presents, played my brother's Wii, i had coffee with my friend Lesley, stayed up all night watching TV, got up in the morning, and drove back up to my apartment. i spent the whole day organizing things, putting away gifts, and before i knew it, it was time to head out to dinner with my friend Michelle. after that, Chuck and i ran around between Target and Toys 'R Us to exchange my Guitar Hero 2 since it was broken. i wound up buying Guitar Hero 1 and a DVD remote as well. then we watched The Missing which was an okay movie and went to bed.

today i woke up later than i wanted to because i wanted to get my bloodwork done. i stopped eating at 6:30pm yesterday and got to the lab at 11:15am. they didn't call me in until 1:25pm. i was barely able to walk by that time and felt so horrible. i met a few people in the waiting room and we were all just complaining about how long it was taking and joking to make light of it so it wasn't terrible. i should have brought Nintendo DS but of course i didn't think it would take 2 hours. so the girl who took the blood was nice, but a little sassy. first, she complimented me on my earrings, asked if i was okay because i was sort of freaking out when i felt the needle go in. then she was like "you can stop shaking your legn now cos it's over" and i was like...well excuse me for not enjoying the feeling of the only substance in my body being drained out of me. so after that i went food shopping which is bad when you're hungry but i restrained myself from overspending. i got home and just ran to the kitchen to make lunch. it was the best turkey sandwich ever.

since then, i've done some more cleaning, played some Guitar Hero, and now i just want to pass out and take a nap. but Chuck is coming over for dinner so i'll have to start getting that ready soon. tomorrow is the only day this entire "vacation" that i have absolutely no plans. i plan on enjoying that. saturday i'm going back to eatontown AGAIN because my dad's cousin and family are visiting, but i am looking forward to that because they're awesome people and their twin kids are so adorable! it's a boy and a girl named Zack and Emma and they are blue-eyed blonde-haired angels. Zack is so protective of Emma and she is so outgoing and cute. then i'll head back up to Chuck's after dinner because he wants to get together with another couple for a game night or a movie. Sunday i'm not sure what i'm doing yet. i'm pretty sure we'll go to Howie/Holly's party but it all depends.

ok so i'm exhausted just typing all of that. it's boring to read and a waste of time to write, but it's all good. i at least have another week off in February to look forward to. that's one of the benefits of not having days off on Jewish holidays, Columbus Day, etc. i just pray we don't use too many snow days before that...BAHAHAHA. yeah right...snow? our ice caps are melting and with all the emissions from factories, vehicles, and whatever else NJ is doomed to fry eventually. i think we're going to get slammed with a stormy winter. i just hope it waits until after my next vacation!

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 21:25:11 GMT

today is a horrible day. kids have been out of control at school because they can't handle the holidays coming up. my third graders today were the rudest bunch of assholes ever. they did not shut up once the entire class. i'm trying to have fun with them singing Jingle Bells, playing recorders, playing instruments, and they just talk talk talk talk talk....i wanted to ring their necks. then i am driving home and it seems every idiot possible is on the road, right in front of me. people who take their dear time when the light turns green so you have to sit through 4 red lights at an intersection, people who drive 10 miles under the speed limit on a highway, big trucks who block you when you're trying to pull into your parking lot and then open their door right as you pass them and you just barely miss crashing into it. and then i get home, hoping desperately to get some relaxation, and today of all days they are cutting down a huge tree outside making all this noise which i can't do anything about because my apartment has no insulation whatsoever! on top of that, my sink is full of dirty dishes, my entire apartment is a mess, nothing is in order, and i am just done. i have no more patience, energy, or motivation. tomorrow is a fucking waste of a school day and i don't want to deal with 25 ADHD kindergartners each period the day before Christmas break. it's really sad to feel this way. this is the first time in my life that it doesn't feel like Christmas. it's because of north Jersey...i'm convinced. living up here is driving me nuts and i'm becoming such an angry person because of how frustrating it is to drive anywhere up here. i am beyond stressed, haven't even once felt true excitement for Christmas, and that is just sad to me. i hate living up here so much. i want to move away from this crowded, depressing, way too high-paced area. i'm sick of traffic, potholes, NY license plates, strip malls, lack of scenery, houses without yards, and people without souls.

i am so jaded right now. i am very sad that all this is coming out of me. i really hope that i find a way to handle living up here because as of now, i don't see myself living past 50 if i don't. i'm going to have a heart attack one day from all this frustration.

i'm just so annoyed by everything right now!!!!

ehhh

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 21:41:44 GMT

I'm a little scared right now. I just got back from the "women's" doctor and I am going to have to get bloodwork and 2 ultrasounds to see what is going on inside my body. I've had this discomfort on my right side for months and have been missing periods like crazy so I have to get all this work done to see why and make sure it's not cancer or something. I'm pretty freaked out. The last thing I need is to get cancer at all, but especially the year before my wedding. I'm not jumping to the conclusion that that is what it is, but how can I not worry about the possibility? It feels like there is something pressing against my side and my body is not functioning the way it should. Something is clearly wrong.

I am just a fucking mess right now physically, emotionally, and mentally. Perfect timing...just before the holidays.

There are just too many things stressing me out right now and my body is probably reacting to that. It doesn't help that once again Chuck has sprung his spontaneous weekend plans on me and I may not see him tonight. His friend Peter is in one of his self-written, born-again, evangelical, holy-rolling Christian, 3-hour epic Christmas plays tonight and Chuck "has" to go. I admire him for supporting his friend, especially after the work week he just had, but I wish he could have told me this sooner than 3 hours before it's happening. I would suck it up and go, but I did that last year and it was the worst 3 hours of my life and I am still waiting to get them back. The music was terrible, unnecessarily repetitive, sung poorly, and I will never forget the 15-minute long lyrical dance by an angel that would put William Hung to shame. I refuse to suffer through that again! And of course curing intermission and when the play is over, the pastor has to come out and try and "save" people and turn it into an altar call and a quick prayer/worship session. I fucking hate that shit. It infuriates me and brings back the frightening memories of being brainwashed in a non-denominational church. Anyway, I am making way too big a deal of this and I just need to go eat something because I am grumpy, tired, and stressed out. Most likely, I will see Chuck tonight and this will all be wasted venting. So au revoir.

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 02:25:24 GMT

how easily life slips away from us. the life we want, the life we need, the life we once had...

i remember not too long ago how much time i had to do the things i love. the time i had to listen to Ryan Adams for hours on end just in a room with no agenda. the time i had to write music, poetry, and in my real journal. the time i had to read, contemplate my existence, and just be.

that time has long since passed and i am constantly bombarded by chores, errands, responsibilities, obligations, and...work. i am very thankful that i am a teacher and have summers to briefly relive the aforementioned lifestyle. with my broken guitar sitting pathetically in an unassuming corner of my apartment collecting cobwebs, i think of the Beatles and how i used to feel pain knowing i could never witness their brilliance live in concert. i feel sadness that i no longer have the ambition, desire, or courage to write. i feel longing for the next Ryan Adams tour when i can buy a single ticket, show up in my finest, pick out a bar stool or dark corner and feed on his self-loathing melodies.

lately, my free time has been spent desperately trying to keep myself going by fulfilling for myself menial basic human needs--eating, sleeping, and maintaining good hygiene. there seems to be very little time during the week for much else. the occasional food-shopping, gift-wrapping, bill-paying, and television-viewing fills in the cracks in my all-too-routine schedule. such an empty feeling. marriage seems so far off when i think of going through this for another 6 and a half months. but when june 30 arrives, i realize i will be surprised at how quickly it came.

i believe marriage is going to be very good for me in some ways, and in other ways it may be quite a challenge. i think i will feel my life is more complete, more wholesome, and more enjoyable. but i also think i might struggle with living with someone 24/7 again. though it will be with my husband, the man i love and choose to spend my life with, it has never been easy for me to completely share space with others. i have lived so much of my life isolated, recluse, and in a state of depression that it may be difficult for me to have nowhere to hide anymore. no longer will i be able to sit in solitude and just be. there will always be someone there. but i have faith that this will be a blessing and my fears of being "alone" when he is off doing his various hobbies will turn into joys. joy that i still will have that time alone, not to be depressed mind you, but to be in solitude and do those "secret single behaviors" that many women do. things like giving myself pedicures, making fancy snacks and vegging out with chick flicks, practicing difficult pieces on the piano and not caring if i fuck up, or just being silly and dancing around the house to crazy music.

i suppose i will never really know until it happens. i am taking strides to better myself at the moment. i am seeing a psychologist for the first time in my life and feeling it is a step in the right direction. my perspective on life has become too distorted and unrealistic. it is something i feel i cannot just snap out of. i am frightened by how quickly i slipped back into depression after several years of feeling okay. it happened suddenly, without warning, and came on very strong. but i am aware enough of myself at this point to recognize the danger and seek help as quickly as possible. i am sick of feeling lonely, depressed, helpless, and horrible about myself. there's no room for negativity in life. and there's no reason to dwell on the past or lament the future. all that matters is the now. that is my new mantra and what is helping me sleep at night. that and my new humidifier...well, good night.

Sat, 09 Dec 2006 19:56:13 GMT

it's been a boring and frustrating Saturday thus far. chuck left at 5:30 this morning to go play hockey and he's shopping at the outlets with a friend all day so i am bored with nothing to do but clean and organize my apartment. granted, this is a very necessary task and i've been wanting to do it for a month. i've been up since 9 and have not had a drop of hot water all day. it's getting more and more frustrating because i have dishes to wash, i need to shower, and i need hot water to clean. i at least put away my clothes, organized some drawers, and cleaned the kitchen and dining room, but i have to clean the bathroom with hot water so that's not gonna happen. blah.

i'd call someone to hang out but i feel gross not showering and i look like shit so i will just stay home and watch movies i guess. it's a really beautiful day today and i wish chuck was around so we could take a nice walk or throw a frisbee around.

*sigh*

i really miss my family and can't wait until Christmas! i had such a blast with my family on Thanksgiving. i think it was one of the most fun holidays we've had in a long time. i hope Christmas can be that fun too.

i've been listening to Gavin DeGraw for the past half hour or so...damn i love his music. something about his voice is very sexy too. especially when he sings "Let's Get It On" hehe. i'm in the mood to watch Christmas movies and drink hot chocolate so maybe that's what i'll do. i just wish someone was here to share that with. :o(

Fri, 01 Dec 2006 00:49:46 GMT

i keep thinking about life and its uncertainties. i was on the phone with Chuck today while he got into a car accident. it took hime almost 2 hours to get back in touch with me and though i knew he was alive and probably fine, it was 2 hours of anxiety and fear. the reason he got into an accident was because he brake line cut out and he couldn't stop. thank GOD he was only going 10-15 miles per hour in traffic. had he been going 70 down a highway the story would be very different. God took care of him today and it amazes me how life can change in an instant. i can see how God works in Chuck's life and in mine and it's a beautiful thing. He protects us, He provides for us, and He shows us how to live according to His will. i am just so thankful Chuck is okay and that he found out like this that his car needs to be put to rest. it's taken him over 250,000 miles and now he is probably going to donate it to cancer. i hope he does not get it fixed because now i don't trust the car and i don't really want to be in it ever again.

anyway...it's been a long day home sick and i'll be staying home tomorrow as well. i'm sure i could in actuality make it through the day if i go to work, but i've still got sinus congestion, half a voice, and i'm starting to cough so i'd rather recover fully for the weekend and my upcoming concert than risk tiring myself out again and the symptoms getting worse. i'm on antibiotics so hopefully this will all be out of my system shortly. i've been taking good care of myself...resting, drinking lots of fluids like tea with honey (which i hate), OJ, and water. i've been eating lots of good soup, avoiding dairy, taking vitamins, and using saline spray. all in all i think i'm putting up a good fight!

back to Chuck...i feel so bad for him right now. he's having a shit time at work because he's so busy and has all these impossible deadlines which he can't possibly make because he's not allowed to work overtime until quarter end. he had it out with his boss today because she ripped into him yesterday for no good reason, then he gets in this car accident and loses his commuter car, and he is struggling in other areas of his life as well. i just hope he has time to relax soon and come back from all the stress. it's terrible that his job is going to get even worse just in time for the holidays. he's going to need a vacation soon! he told me he was considering going back to Alaska in February and i think i've already written on here about my fears with that. but if he needs it, he needs it. i just hope he comes back in one piece.

i hate fearing death. it messes with my head and makes me want to just curl up in bed and never leave. there's so much to see and do on this Earth but sometimes i just want to stay where i am safe, comfortable, and happy...in Chuck's arms...and never let go.

Wed, 22 Nov 2006 19:21:06 GMT

my iPod song shuffle has been a Smashing Pumpkins whore lately. every third song has been a Pumpkins tune and i'm not sure why. is there a little man in my iPod who really likes them? is it that i have such a plethora of albums from the Pumpkins that it wins by majority? i can't say i'm disappointed because they are pretty much my favorite band from adolescence.

so today i did something i never thought i'd do. i called and scheduled an appointment with a psychologist. i've been considering it for a while and after one horrible weekend with chuck, we both decided it was time. i'm nervous and not sure what to expect. i'm going next Wednesday night for my initial evaluation and all that. in a way i am looking forward to it for my own health. i feel that there are many issues i need to resolve with myself so that i can be happy again with myself and with chuck.

we've definitely been struggling lately. we fight all the time and can't get out of this rut. i hope Thanksgiving can be a time of peace, happiness, and joy for us because we both need it. i'm so disappointed with myself for letting things get so bad. and i'm just really sad that our relationship has taken this turn for the worse. we are both mature enough to see a way to fix it and we both want to fix it so i am confident we will pull through eventually.

i'm just contemplating how to even begin with a therapist. what is he going to ask me first? "So, tell me why you are here." how do i answer that? i don't know what it will be like so i am nervous. i wonder how easily i will be able to open up to a stranger. i suppose i've done it plenty in the past, but it's different when it's a professional. i hope i get something out of it and find what i need to be happy.

it's nice that i got to come home early from school today--i wasn't expecting teachers to be able to leave so that was a nice surprise. i still have 2 piano lessons to teach later which i wish i had pushed up to right after school, but i didn't know i'd be getting out early. then i'm going over chuck's and hopefully we will make it out to hang with my friends for a bit at the bar later. he said he would like to so we'll see. i just want tonight to be a good night for us. no fights, no frustrations. just the two of us happy and in love and enjoying our engagement like we should be.